January 8, 2017
Something that has been tremendously difficult yet fantastic to experience is realizing that we are always living in the craziness. A year and a half ago, two years ago, I kept thinking that once I got to this next step, I would be fine. I thought that if I got stuff done, I would be able to start living the life I wanted to live. The things that come to us in ordinary moments. A friend said something like “things were crazy and then I realized that things are going to keep being crazy” and I realized she was right. Like life is crazy and will always be that way.
I know very well how far from perfect I am. I wouldn’t even think to use perfect to describe anything close to the state of me or my life. I see so many things that I could have done better, that I wish I had done better–that I feel that doing better would make my life better. But a thing about growth is that there will always be more to do.
Also, everything is connected. As I have been learning about sustainability and the garment industry and scientific research and environmental issues and life, I realized how important the gray area is. As Rebecca says on This I Wear, “sustainability is the gray area.” There was a time when I was hoping that one day I would learn enough to make good choices for the rest of my life and not have to keep researching clothing or problems, that one day I would have enough information to make decisions I could stick to permanently, that one day I would have a clear sense of my political views. But maybe the best things happen in the gray area. Becca points out on Minimal Wellness, holistic wellness is in the gray area. Life isn’t just following a strict set of guidelines but a process of navigating something difficult.
I hope that no matter what differences people may have that it’s all ordered towards good in some way, and it’s the specifics around us, the momentary, that shifts and changes as we try to figure out how to express our core in our actions and lives.
How do I find the balance? Of knowing enough and not knowing so much, of gathering information but having the courage to live with never having enough information to feel comfortable, about acting on our beliefs while acknowledging that I don’t really know what is the best action. And of having a gazillion goals and dreams while knowing there is only one goal in life, of recognizing this contradiction while seeing how my gazillion goals fit into the process of that one main goal. Of trying new things but not taking on too much, of staying true to myself while stretching outside my comfort zone. Of exploring creativity and taking risks while doing things that will add value to my life. These balances are things to explore.
Maybe I am “a little older, a little wiser.” This school year has been full of reflection for me. With all the college and program applications, I have needed to reflect on my life, goals, aspirations, accomplishments, strengths, weakness, and I have needed to find what I can say about myself with confidence. During this time of reflection, I think I have settled a little into the uncertainty, and freaked out a lot. I know I shouldn’t try to get so many things done, try to juggle so many things that I lose track of them. I have a better sense I have taken on new activities for the sake of trying new things, but it’s still really hard to quit stuff. And maybe a little more sense of being okay with existing in the craziness, of laughing at all the times I fall when dancing to the music of life.